You will be sorely missed. Thanks for everything.
It’s distressing to witness the slow, excruciating decline of sartorial excellence in the form of simple, understated and elegant accessorizing for men, particularly in the Sydney Central Business District. One such accessory, the noble tie bar, has tragically been robbed of its timeless, ageless appeal by an older generation of schlubby, middle-aged men in schlubby, middle-aged attire.
Unfortunately, so many older guys, including a generous proportion of whom were undoubtedly taught to strictly adhere to the dress codes and perennial laws of style by their own fathers, have been coerced into thinking that foregoing the particular, delicate nuances they learned as boys will gratify their misguided perception of what it is to look “decent”. In fact, laziness is becoming the new “cool”. However, laziness really, really isn’t that cool, dude. The only thing that’s almost as uncool as trying too hard, is not trying at all.
I mean, sure, the guy four cubicles down from you with the doubled-pleated gunt-tuckers* and XXXL bed-sheet-for-a-shirt might think you’re doing okay in the style stakes, but he probably makes the same amount of money as you, which doesn’t exactly attribute much to your overall projected image.
So, the tie bar. What happened? Previously a staple found in the change bowls on every man’s dresser, it now only maintains a small, devoted following among the trend hopping, GQ demographic – which is okay. The problem is, some men find the tie bar to be an embellishment in which one can safely avoid indulgence.
These men are dumbasses. Don’t listen to them. They will ruin your life and nobody will want to hang out with you.
Now, obviously tie bars aren’t to everyone’s taste, and that’s fine. However, not only do they endow a man with a certain, extra degree of gleaming class, but they can hold your tie in place whilst you cheat on your hot wife with a beatnik or a gorgeous Jewish heiress and berate your younger, smarmier, more dickish colleagues for being young, smarmy and dickish.
Wear with pride, gentlemen. Make sure however, that your tie bar is placed at least about a third of the way down your tie from the knot so that it doesn't exceed the width of the material, and that it isn't too far down.
Proportion is also important, so if you’re a classic, wider-width tie-fellow, accessorize accordingly. If you’re a skinny tie-guy, then perhaps go for a tie bar a couple of inches across. And, if you’re feeling adventurous, you could try something like this.
*An amalgamation of “giant”, “gut” and a particularly foul slang word for a woman’s genitalia. However, the term "gunt" is applicable to both men and women.
